Catching up, part deux

So - first of all, an update on Hails and how the chemo is going this time around. This is round 4 and she is officially OVER IT. Poor thing, her anxiety is through the roof and she is heavily medicated right now for that and pain. Her text messages to me don't make much sense right now. I have become more fluent in chemo-brain speak than I ever thought I would. She is hanging in there though - her friends and family keep her going plus her sweet baby James. :) I think Colleen is her inspiration and the rest of us are her foundation. Sometimes I dont feel like a foundation though, I feel like I am standing in shifting sand during a catagory 5 hurricane, but somehow I keep it together for her. Its when I am not with her that I get more anxious and scared.

Anyway...enough of the my pity party, she is the one that is going through a living hell. This brings us to part 2 of our story...where did we leave off? Oh, somewhere around her cardiologist suggesting lots of tests and this is when all hell broke loose.

On the night of June 6th Hailey and I had an hour and 1/2 long conversation about how everything in the world sucked eggs. We were having a good ol gripe fest, sometimes you just need to get it out. Anyway, my point is that she did not say ANYTHING about being in pain at all. About 2 hours after she got off the phone with me she was putting Colleen to bed and then she felt it - a stabbing pain like none other in her belly. At first she thought that it was an ovarian cyst exploding since this has happened to her several times in the past - but she said that the pain she was feeling was different, and worse than exploding ovaries. Ouch.

She called James, who was at work and he rushed home, but he was 45 minutes away, so she called my parents. This started a chain reaction of hysterics, because my parents know how independent my sis is and how much pain this chick can tolerate. Anyway - my parents get to my sister just as the ambulance is arriving to get her. Unfortunately for that ambulance driver - he was 5 minutes behind my dad who promptly put Hailey in the car and took her to Athens Regional while Mom stayed behind to watch Colleen.

So they get her to the ER and they examane her and say "Ms. Gill, did you know that you had a mass or tumor in your abdomen?" Well, um, NO! Don't you think I would have mentioned that when I got here??? Anyway...this is the first news of any tumor in her life and it just gets worse from here on out...

Part 3 tomorrow. This story makes me anxious all over. Kinda like my heart will beat out from behind my breast plate anxious.

Catching everyone up...

During our visit with Ashley and Amy (Hailey's long lost buddies - see below) Ashley wanted to know the whole story of how Hailey was diagnosed and how the disease has progressed to this state. She said that she had heard rumors of a 10" tumor with eyes and tentacles...not really, but she did say that the rumor mill was swirling - so I am taking it upon myself to tell you all how this went down. It will be in parts - I don't have that much energy to do the whole diatribe in one fail swoop, and you probably do not have that much time on your hands!

So here we go...

In the months of April - June 2008 (or so, my dates may be off a hair) Hailey was having really bad, random symptoms that the doctors could not make add up to anything in particular. She was having bad fainting spells, her blood pressure was through the roof, her anxiety was out of control, irregular heart beat, racing heart beat, she was getting nauseous for no reason, feeling VERY weak all the time and having headaches. She saw several doctors to see what was going on. She was put on blood pressure meds and several other prescriptions, was told that she needed to work out to relieve stress. So, like a good little patient, she took her medication and joined a gym.

The heart issues got worse, so that is when she went to the cardiologist. The cardiologist that saw her really made her mad because he acted like she was probably pregnant and that was the reason for her fainting spells since her EKG was fairly normal. He kept pressing on her abdomen to see if she felt any pain, which she did not, and then she was sent home. The cardiologist wanted her to have a host of tests done at the medical center to rule anything out - most of them having to do with examining her abdomen (??? he must have thought she was preggers or he was psychic, one of the two) and having a CAT scan. She never made those appointments because about a week after that appointment - the proverbial poop hit the fan.

To be continued...

Awesome Weekend, Old Friends and Sushi...

We had such an AWESOME weekend! Hailey and I spent the entire weekend together and had the best time. Mike went out of town for the weekend to Michigan to see the Wolverines and Tigers play, so I had all of my time to devote to my sis and her fam - AND myself! There were several highlights of the weekend - also some low lights (the UGA BLACK out...um...well, that was bad), however, as always we will focus on the high points...like yoga in the AM with Hails in our PJs...Kisma decided not to participate, lazy pup!
*Photography by COLLEEN!*


1. Awesome Girl's Weekends MUST include Pedicures!!!
Hailey, Colleen and I got up early Saturday morning and went to the nail salon to get our toes done...Colleen had never had this done before so it was so cute to see her get her nails painted. Hailey and I treated ourselves to manis and pedis - which neither of us ever do, so it was a nice, relaxing, girlie time.

Adorable pink & white polka-dots for C-mac's first pedi...how cute!!!!


Hailey and I went for the fall, goth girl look...although we we are SO not GOTH...



2. Then!!!!....OMG...We got a visit from some OLD SCHOOL friends of Hailey - Ashley and Amy. These guys bring back some of my favorite memories of Hailey in her elementary and middle school years. These are two fantastic girls whom, I honestly thought would walk in Hailey's house with pig-tails and listening to old Red Hot Chili Peppers thinking they were all "mature", cool and not wanting anything to do with me until they needed a ride somewhere...until I saw them this weekend. Ugh...I feel old...they have both grown into fantastic, beautiful, strong women that LOVE Hailey down to their cockles and sub-cockles of their being. There were lots of laughter, inside jokes about "dangerous hikers" and something about a Santa belt...that only a 7th grader could understand. Basically - it was a great visit and I am so happy that I got to see these women and that Hailey got to feel the undying love of friendship this weekend.

Amy, Hails and Ashley



3. Sushi!!!! YUMMO!!! Hailey requested a "last meal" before she went back to chemo hell tomorrow at Shoki in Athens. Mom and Dad dined on chicken and steak off of the hibachi and Mike, James, Hailey and I (dad some too!) pigged out on raw tuna, seaweed and spicy crab rolls. My mouth is all dry from all the salt and I feel like I may explode from all the rice...but ugh...it was so delish.



James REALLY likes sushi... hahahahaha



Just one more time, let this be it...maybe...please...please...



Anyway...Hailey does go back for the dreaded chemo tomorrow. There were tears after the sushi, and it was not from all the wasabi. Maybe (thats a BIG maybe) this will be it...this will be her last round. Please, please, everyone pray that this will be it and that all of these treatments will be good enough to keep her healthy until the next millennium.

Love & Light to you all...and oh yeah...
GO BLUE!!!!

Silly Nannies...

I am instituting a new rule -and its my blog so I can do whatever I want, but hopefully you guys will appreciate the new rule. The new rule is that Friday is funny Friday. If there are any important updates regarding Hailey, of course I will let you guys know, but in all the seriousness and yuck going on in the world, in my world and in this blog - I have to institute Silly Nanny Funny Fridays or else we may just lose our minds, or I might at any rate.

Introducing my favorite silly stuff - the LOL cats




more animals


more animals


more animals


more animals

and here is the origin of the title of the Silly Nanny Friday's - a clip from Family Guy

Acupuncture, Flaming Sticks and a Rant...

Some of you know that Mike and I have been doing acupuncture treatments for the past few years off and on, for different medical issues. This experience has changed the way I view the body, mind, spirit, and basically changed my life. Acupuncture sounds kinda scary to most of us because:

A. There are needles involved

B. Its really, really foreign

C. We don't understand it

D. Did I mention the needles?


Well, the needles are not bad - really, they are not. I am not a fan of shots, pricking fingers etc...so I was not jumping up and down about getting needles stuck in me under any circumstances...but I sucked it up and gave it a shot. (no pun intended) The needles are very fine, almost as fine as hair so that does not really hurt that bad. If it does hurt, its more of the energy in that area that is "stuck" and then the acupuncture is how you get that energy moving and flowing so all of your systems operate better. The first time I got acupuncture, my acupuncturist put tons of needles all over me, in my back, on my head, in my ears, in between my toes (yeah, those hurt) and in my legs. All of the spots felt different - some ached, some felt like an electric current running under my skin, some felt like water flowing out of a dam...its really cool and I suggest that everyone try it at least once in your life. It can help with all kinds of issues, but basically its preventative medicine and it helps to make your body stronger and work the way God intended it to - in harmony. Every time I have left my appointment with Shams, I have felt like a new person, in a goooooood, yummy, warm cup of soup on a cold day kind of way.



Why, you ask, am I telling you all of this and what does it have to to with the star of our corner of the interweb, Hailey??? Because she got acupuncture today and already feels better. Shams (our acupuncturist) also did some massage, and something with some kind of stick that she poked on her leg to stimulate the immune system. When I find out more about these mysterious sticks, I will let you know more about them - but apparently there is fire involved and James is in charge of doing this treatment at home on a daily basis - so this should be fun...ha.



Me, Hailey, Shams and James are not the only ones buying into the AMAZING benefits of acupuncture. Below is an excerpt from the National Cancer Institute web site about acupuncture.



Acupuncture, a complementary and alternative (CAM) therapy used in cancer management,[1-4] has been used clinically to manage cancer-related symptoms, treat side effects induced by chemotherapy or radiation therapy, boost blood cell count, and enhance lymphocyte and natural killer (NK) cell activity. In cancer treatment, its primary use is symptom management; commonly treated symptoms are cancer pain,[4,5] chemotherapy-induced nausea and vomiting, [6] and other symptoms that affect a patient’s quality of life, including weight loss, anxiety, depression, insomnia, poor appetite, and diarrhea. [7-9] Acupuncture is generally accepted by children aged 10 years and older.

For more info click here



If our narrow minded (sorry but its the way I feel) government can agree that acupuncture is beneficial for all of these symptoms...then WHY IN THE WORLD IS IT NOT COVERED UNDER INSURANCE??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I guess quality of life really does not matter, as long as we can fix whatever is wrong with you with a pill created by big pharma and if you die - then good - we dont have to cover you anymore. If you live, then who cares how you actually FEEL or if you TRULY get better - here, take another pill that does nothing but cover up pain and illness. UGH. Did you see the part about "enhance lymphocyte and natural killer (NK) cell activity" ??? Does that say that it activates KILLER CELLS? What? Our own body can do that??? Who knew - I thought the only way to fight cancer was with chemo. I not saying that the chemo is not part of the big picture, but its just that - a part - our hospitals need to include acupuncture, nutrition and other natural methods of fighting disease. This just does not make any sense to me. OK, Rant over...

I do feel very fortunate for Hailey to be at Athens Regional because they do have the Loren Smith cancer center. They provide yoga, nutrition classes, books, reiki and massage for all the cancer patients and their care givers, for free. This is very progressive and I am truly, truly grateful for this benefit.

Again, I will not leave you on a nasty, negative vibe so I give you Sham's website.

Click here for her beautiful corner of the interweb and learn something new about the vessel of your soul - your beautiful body, that yes, was made to heal itself.

Also, here is a picture from our trip to Alligator Point. Somebody complimented me and said that I have an eye for photography. That was awesome to hear since I have always wanted to be a good photographer. I will never have anything on James - but here it is. God did the art work, I just got to take a picture of it. :)

100%

Awesome...
100% of you (who voted) believe in angels! Y'all don't think I'm crazy! :)

Hailey is resting at home still and is having a good week so far. Thanks for all the vibes & prayers - as usual.

Love & Light

H

Mmmmm....Blood....

Hailey and I have been reading books about vampires (the Twilight series) lately and the joke around the house is that Hailey has turned into a vampire ;) Just start calling her Hailey Cullen. (that's an inside joke for all you Twilight fans) She got blood at the hospital before she got out and she is feeling like a million bucks. Well, maybe more like $50 grand...but she still feels much better than she was.

We just don't understand why the doctor is so reluctant to give her blood when she obviously needs it so bad and it makes her feel so much better. Its always their last resource...I don't get it.

Anywho...she is at home, she cleaned her house yesterday which is more than I can say for myself and we ate a HUGE dinner a la James including yummy red snapper, mashed taters and fried okra...yummmmm. Oh, and there was lots of garlic involved, and Hailey did not hiss at us or run away from the garlic, so she has not completley transformed into a vampire yet!

Things are good right now with Hailey, James and Colleen. Hallelujah.

Resting

She is still resting at the hospital. Hopefully she will be out tomorrow. Mom is staying with her tonight because James is working a double shift. She is hurting, but the nurses at the hospital are taking good care of her and she is in the mac daddy suite this time! :)

GO DAWGS!

wooof wooof wooof!

I'm off to see David Byrne at Chastain...can y'all believe I have never been to Chastain? Crazy talk, I know. I have seen over 150++ concerts in my day, and have never made it to Chastain. Its a perfect night for it too

Defeated

Dang
She is on her way back to the hospital. To put it in perspective, she is glad that she is going back. That is how bad she feels right now and she knows that she needs someone to take care of her because she fears for her own safety if she had to stay at home by herself for any length of time.

Poor thing, she feels so defeated right now. My heart just breaks over and over again for her.

Hopefully she will only be in there for 2 days, home by Sunday at the latest.

Hailey's Cheering Section, Angels and Vibes...

Hey!
Well, she has had a rough morning emotionally. She is just worn out, depressed, stretched to the limit and scared. So she is at the oncologist's office this morning with nurses praying with her and the docs giving her 2 liters of IV fluids, anxiety meds and pain meds. These days come and go with her - but mostly she is keeping her chin up. So, extra vibes are needed for her and James this morning - he is beat too. Poor James, he has been a rock through all of this, he is such a good guy.

We have a few more days to go to keep her out of the hospital this time...so everybody...breathe in and then let it alllllll out...and say with me in your head...

Healthy
Healthy
Healthy

I have re-named "Followers" to Hailey's cheering section. If you have not already done so, show your support of Hailey by signing up to be a follower. All you need to do is click on "Follow this Blog" and follow the instructions. You can always follow anomalously if you want, but I would much rather see your smiling face and/or name on here :) It makes us so happy to see who is out there, it makes the blog feel worth while. It is worth while for me for therapeutic reasons, but that is secondary to keeping you all informed and us having these conversations - even if they are kind of one sided ;) I know that you guys are praying and sending positive vibes our way, and THAT is the most important thing here.
Speaking of prayers and vibes...I saw this interesting video today on Yahoo.

Do you believe in Angels? Click here to see video

Obviously I believe in the power of prayer, vibes and positive thinking. Do you believe in these things? I totally believe that I have a guardian angel, I think I would be dead today if it were not for my angel. My father thinks that he would have been squished a couple of different times if it were not for his angel. I have also had very "sensitive" people "feel" a presence around me...Shannon Peek knows what I am talking about...ha...so I am NOT crazy (well maybe, but not that crazy). So anyway...that will be the topic of my next poll, do you believe in angels?

By the way, the polls are anonymous so I have no idea who votes for what and neither do the peeps that read this blog.

So far, so good

So far she is not in the hospital due to low counts/being so sick.
Keep the positive vibes coming! They must be working!!!!! We have a couple more days to go to get through the hump...

I just ate dinner with my Aunt Debbie - it was awesome to see her. Its always so good to connect with someone that you have not seen in a while.

Have a good one everybody!

Peace

H

HEALTHY, HEALTHY, HEALTHY

OK everybody...
breathe in - say to yourself in your head - HEALTHY
and exhale alllllll the way out.

This is Hailey's mantra right now and we all need to send her big, strong, healthy vibes her way. She has a fever again and this time its over 100 so she may be headed back to the hospital AGAIN if she does not get better.

HEALTHY
HEALTHY
HEALTHY

Please get better Hailey! Come on Dr. Spichael - you can dooooo it!

Taking care of yourself

Well - my latest poll is finished and it seems that most of us take care of ourselves with exercise. That is great news! Exercise releases endorphins and that is why you get that relaxed feeling after you work out. You have to move that energy around so it does not get stuck and fester. If we were in China we would call this energy chi, in yogic tradition they call it prana. Of course, since I am studying to be a yoga instructor, I highly recommend trying yoga if you have not. You do not need to be a flexible, vegetarian, incense loving hippie to get the benefits of this 5000 year old practice. Also, it is NOT a religion or a religious practice. Yoga literally means unity - and in the case of a physical yoga practice it means unifying breath and movement. It can also unite you with your higher power though meditation (or at least attempt to) after your asana practice - and that is great, but it is not a religion by any definition.

Anyway - on to the star of our corner of the interweb - Hailey!!!!! She is resting at home with mom today. Its so good to have mama take care of you when you are sick - there is nothing like it. They took Colleen to school this morning, then Hailey is getting IV fluids again at 10:40 am. They also check her blood counts etc...while she is there. Yesterday the PA on duty said to Hailey "WOW, your counts are really low!" - Hailey was not as surprised as the PA was because she could feel how bad it was. She is weak, tired, keeps getting a low fever (nothing to worry about, yet) and she has fainted a few times at home - but hanging tough :) It makes me tired & worried just thinking about all of that...ugh.

Also, her car is fixed - she had to get a belt replaced and it only cost $200 - so it could have been much worse. Poor thing freaked out yesterday in the parking lot of a church when her car started acting funny - she said it was not pretty, lots of cussing involved. She was much calmer when I saw her last night and she seems OK this morning as far as stress level is concerned.

We had a good visit last night - I made her dinner (her ususal, chicken noodle soup, saltines and fresh apple juice) and we hung out on her front porch in the rocking chairs enjoying the breeze. It feels so nice outside! I love fall, but I will miss flip flops. I hate shoes...stop calling me a hippie ;)

Here is a picture for today starring Hailey's awesome tat. The star is supposed to bring you good fortune and the Hope - well, that is pretty self explanatory. She has had many compliments even from older grandma types at our church, but she has also had some strange looks. We hope people dont think she is a skin head! Tattoos, bald head, a WP sticker on her car (stands for Widespread Panic, but somebody could infer otherwise) plus she looks like she could kick your butt even as sick as she is, so we think that people may be coming to the wrong conclusion here.
*Heather shakes her head & rolls eyes*



OH! And for the poor person (I am betting its a woman) who voted on the poll that they dont have time to take care of themselves...HEAR THIS NOW! Nobody else is going to do it for you and you can not take care of others very well if you do not take care of yourself. Ten minutes a day to dedicate to yourself is a good start - listen to nice music, do some stretching, go outside, just be quiet...anything...just do it :)

Love & Light
Heather

23!

Holy Followers Batman! As I am typing this - 23 of you are official. I love and adore you all - thank you so much! Keep it coming guys! 23 is a magic number too in some weird numerology circles - dont ask me why I know that...but there was a movie about it - so I guess I am not the only one that is aware of that strange phenom.

Hailey is having a terrible day today. As if she does not have enough dookie on her plate right now, she is apparently having car troubles. Also, the family pick up truck (thank God dad decided that he needed a running around truck cuz we have used the heck out of it) needs an oil change in the worst of ways and James (the truck is currently his since his POS finally bit the dust) can not find time to go do it. I guess I will work this out somehow. These guys need transportation - they can not have car issues right now. So, send happy healthy car vibes their way! Hails is at the oncology office again today and she is getting more IV fluids etc...then she gets Colleen from school, then she goes home and tries to stay awake until at least 8:30 so she can tuck Colleen in. Can you imagine the stress? I am getting all tense just worrying about this and trying to figure out a way to fix it for them. Speaking of stress...

I am not the only one that thinks the breath is linked to stress, health, and our general outlook on life. I think I am feeling sooooo incredibly hinky right now because I have neglected my yoga practice for the past week. I need to get back on the mat! I will take 20 minutes today before my visit to Hailey's house, I have to or I may explode.

Getting back to the part about me not being the only one in the breath = life camp - take a second to read this blog entry on one of my favorite sites.

Stress Reduction - Pioneer Woman Style

The Pioneer Woman rocks! Her mom is on my level and Ree's recipes are to die for - you may actually keel over while eating it from all the butter - but it sure would be a nice way to go!

Yippee! Followers!!!!

Yeah!!!! Thank you guys for showing your support by being an official follower of the blog! It means so much to see all of you - thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! As I am typing this message, there are 7 of you that have signed up as a follower - I know that there are more of ya, and I can't wait to see who all is out there. :)

Hailey is at the oncologists office right now getting IV fluids and she is also starting her antibiotics today. She just texted me and told me that she had a fever early this morning and that she will have to be in the oncologists office EVERY DAY this week instead of every other day. This is all in hopes to keep her out of the hospital. She does not like the oncologists office because its depressing with all the bald people and the glaring fact that she is the oddity of the group - being so young and all. Most of the older people in there look at her with pity in their eyes and that just makes her feel worse. She says that the grannys and grandpas are really sweet, but it just still makes her feel more like an outcast being the youngest person there most days. However, in spite of all this, she would rather be there than at the hospital again. She really does not like the hospital - the food stinks and she just wants her own bed, cat, dog, boyfriend and kitchen...I dont blame her.

Lets all pray that she can stay at home this time around, she needs it.

Picture Pages

Sing along! Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages so get your crayons and your pencils!!!

Some pictures for y'all to see. James took these - so they are way better than mine :)
Thanks James!


Kisses from James - also featured are Hailey & Co-pilot ;)

Daddy (more kisses), Hails and Mama. This was during round 1 - she still had some hair on her head and more light in her eyes.

Hey! There is that light in her eyes, it just takes a visit from a good friend to pull it out!

This is Hailey & one of her best buddies from way back - Noelle or Noni as she is called around these parts.

Hailey's crew from Barrow County Child Protective Services.

Great group of people, they come by often and are so supportive of her.

Colleen's artwork that donned Hailey's white board in her hospital room. Colleen is quite the artist! From left to right are Hailey (with hair and a flower sprouting out of her head), Bo (the cat) Colleen, James (notice the hair on his chin is much thicker than the hair on his head! ha!!!), Kisma (the dog), Gram (or Gam, she never pronounces the R - aka, my mama) and Big Daddy (you may have guessed, that is my dad! most perfect nick name ever!)

Hails and the bean having a staring contest

The poison they are pumping into my sisters veins - all in the name of good health and cancer's demise. The chemo in the black bag is red and the rest of the things are clear. One of them is chemo (ifex, I think) the others are saline and some other stuff.

One of the nurses made a huge mistake last time while she was training another nurse on chemotherapy and said - IN FRONT OF MY SISTER - that the stuff in the black bag is like battery acid.

OK, now my neck is tense and my stomach is queasy from typing that. Hailey was not too pleased with that. That particular nurse will not be visiting my sis anymore - we will leave it at that.

On to happier pics...

Round 3 is DONE, FINITO, FINIS, OVER

Take that cancer...

My sis will beat you up in the school yard after gym...

For your viewing enjoyment
Hey, hey, hey!

Follow this blog...

Hey!
Look to the right side of this page (at the top). See the heading? The one that says - Followers?
If you click on "follow this blog" and sign in with your google account you can show us that you are reading this blog.

If you dont have a google account its super easy to create one and you dont need a google email address to do it, you can use your bellsouth, yahoo, hotmail, windstream, etc...account to do it.

Its just strange - I know that lots of you are out there - but I dont know who, or how many etc...

So, if you dont mind - be an official follower! :)

Love & Light,

Heather

PS - you can also do it anonymously if you dont want your name or handle on there.

The Juicer...

Hey!
This made my week! I got to try out Hailey's new juicer tonight. I juiced up some apples and it was SOOOOOOOOOOO good. Colleen was impressed, and if you can impress a 5 year old with fruit, you are doing good. Then I juiced 2 leaves of kale and a cucumber - this was interesting. Trust me, I did not make this recipe up myself...it was in one of the books I got for Hailey. It said that it was good for cooling down a hot throat. Shockingly enough, the kale juice is not bad at all, it really does not taste like anything but the smell and color sent Colleen running around the kitchen screaming at me not to come near her with that stuff. The cucumber juice was disgusting. Yuck. The two mixed together was awful.

So, I will stick to fruit. I may try a carrot or something like that mixed in with the apple juice to see what kinds of concoctions I can come up with. Hailey liked the apple juice, it is way better than anything you can buy in the store and it should help her get some of the vitamins she needs. Who knows, I may sneak some kale in there next time - hehehehehe.
:)

Love
H

Home

Hey everybody
Just wanted to let yall know that we are home. I am here with Hailey at her house and Colleen & Mom just got here a little bit ago too.

Hailey is tired and does not feel good - but hopefully she will start to feel better soon.

She had lots of vistors this time around, some from work, some old friends that she has not seen in a while. I have some pictures to share - I will hopefully have time to do that tomorrow.

Peace
H

I love this song...

Nothing Lasts Forever
By: Brett Dennen

I saw you spiraling
I saw you spinning back in time
through all your memories
such a quiet disease
you had forgotten me
but I'll always remember you dancing
across the kitchen in your orange handkerchief
such a quiet disease
I pray that when you dream you would remember everything
you know it all comes back to you in one conscience dream
maybe you'd sing and put words to all the things
that you think of in a day but forgotten how to say
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
life is so precious it's as fragile as a dream
and in a moment we all grow our wings
I wish to sing as if no ones listening
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
I wish to dance as if no one is watching
and I, give thanks for my dreams
you can rob me of my sight
and you can poison my blood stream
but as long as I can dream then life is worth living
nothing last forever
not even the mountains
someday they will be swept away and swallowed by the sea
we all shall be blessedly released
nothing last forever
not even the sun
for all we know it could have burned out light years ago
darkness remains the hardest thing for us to outrun

I listened to this on my way into work and I thought it was worth sharing. I have been struggling with the "what's all this for" and "why all the suffering" meaning of life...etc...questions lately and as this song so eloquently says, as long as I can dream, life is worth living. Kind of like the sunset and cool breeze yesterday - take the good nuggets when they come along peeps, so we can get through the dark times with Grace.

Round 3 - Day 3

Well, she is hanging tough (insert in NKOTB dance!)
She actually said that this round so far is the worst. She is getting morphine every few hours, not to mention all of the phenergan (sp?? yall may have already guessed, I am not the best speller, oh well! I can do the NKOTB dance sucka!)

anyway...I digress...Hailey somehow stays awake for a few hours at a time - I would be knocked out cold all day if I had all that pumping through me. The sheer amount of drugs she is getting is unreal. This time around, she has the DVD player in her room so her and James have been watching movies and that new TV show, Dexter on DVD. MUCH better than ABC or TBS allllllllllllllllllllll day.

I also asked her how her spirit was doing, and she said its OK, not great - but not in the dumps either. I told her that she is doing better than I would be, anywhere above the deep dark hole of serious depression is pretty good in my estimation. I would be a total disaster if it were me.

Colleen started ballet and tap lessons today! She looked SO cute in her little pink leotard and tights. Colleen and Mom came up to Hailey's room to visit the same time I did. After visiting with Hails for about an hour I went to a free yoga class at the Loren Smith Cancer Center at Athens Regional. They provide all kinds of classes, books, support, therapy etc...for cancer patients and caregivers. All of it is free too, its an awesome place. I am very grateful for it and I am sure it will be a great resource for Hailey as well.

After yoga, I was driving home and the sunset was so beautiful, one of those that you could look at forever and keep seeing different colors peeking through the purple clouds, really pretty - I had the windows rolled down and a great CD playing on my iPod. I realized how beautiful it all is and how nice it is to still be able to see the light at this point in my life. I thank God for that.

Love & Light

Day Two - Round 3

Hey y'all!
Hailey is at the hospital and getting her chemo. Today they are trying new pain meds for her - including Morphine. This should be a fun experiment since Morphine makes Hailey meaner than a snake. The doctors and nurses are aware of this - at least they have been warned!
Seriously though, she did say that so far it was treating her well - no ill side effects yet. I hope not, because the last thing you want is to be in severe pain and second to that you don't want to mad (even more so) at the world and not in control of your emotions. I hope it helps her. I hate to think of her in pain.

Mom is with her today. I am visiting her tomorrow and then I am spending the night on Thursday. Kisma (her dog) is with us for the week again - driving our cat nuts but we LOVE Kisma, so who cares about the moody cat???!!!

Poem

~ What Cancer Cannot Do ~

Cancer is so limited

Cancer cannot cripple love

Cancer cannot shatter hope

Cancer cannot erode faith

Cancer cannot destroy peace

Cancer cannot kill friendship

Cancer cannot destroy memories

Cancer cannot silence courage

Cancer cannot invade the soul

Cancer cannot steal eternal life

Cancer cannot conquer the spirit

Cancer is so limited.....

Home sweet home

Hi everybody!
I am back home and I am glad to be sleeping in my own bed again. I miss the delicious crab claws & the lull of the ocean already, but I am happy to be back. We had a blast, no rain! However we did come back home with a little lighter load than expected. Our pomeranian, Rodman, died on the way to the beach. He was 12.5 years old and our best buddy. We had to make the really tough choice to put him down in a strange town, with a strange vet in Cordele, GA. His heart was enlarged and he was having trouble breathing, the vet said that he may not make it back to Athens to a specalitst, much less make it through the weekend. So RIP buddy! I miss you!

Anyway - on to more pressing business. Hailey is going back in for round 3 of chemo tomorrow. She will be there for at least 4 days again and we are betting on her going back into the hospital when her counts drop about 5 days after she comes home from the chemo treatment. She had a good week this week though. She said that she ate a lot and she felt so good yesterday that unfortunately she over did it and did not make it to church this morning. I was going to go over and see her (I MISS MY SIS!) but she has been sleeping a lot today and I have not heard from her since this morning. Please keep her in your prayers this week, as chemo week is always trying for her and the family.